Before I get to what made today a bad day, let me give you a little background. I have been married for two and a half years to a fantastic man, I have wanted children really since I was a kid myself... I couldn't wait to be a mommy, I love babies, children, teens etc. I've also wanted to start a family sooner rather than later as my parents are older and I want their grandchildren to actually know their grandparents. I only got to know one of my grandmothers as my other grandparents passed away early on in my life.
Last summer my DH and I decided we were going to start a family... I had only been on birth control for a few years and I wasn't expecting too many problems from that... I was however expecting a wait for becoming pregnant. My RN had told me during a Gyn appt that I had a tipped uterus which could make it difficult to become pregnant. This was what I was prepared for... imagine my surprise when I found out we were pregnant the first time we tried!?! I was so estatic, I couldn't wait to be a mommy and was so happy that it would happen sooner than we had expected.
We found out we were pregnant early August, I couldn't keep it a secret from several of our friends I just couldn't! First mistake....
We had actually found out we were pregnant during a trip and planned to tell my parents when we got home from that trip... after our flight landed we got home and I went to the restroom... When I wiped there was a pink tinge to the toilet paper.. I panicked and my DH and I went to see my Dr. He told us I could be having a miscarriage and to go home and put my feet up. I did as told but was so heartbroken, I cried for such a long time even though I needed to try and stay calm... It didn't work.
We waited a while and no more spotting so then I had to call around and find an OB/GYN who took my insurance... no easy task... finally I found one and we scheduled my appointment around week 11 of my pregnancy... The day before my appointment I had another pink tinge but people had told me this was normal for some people but I didn't do anything since I had my appointment the next day...
The next day turned out to be one of the worst days of my life... We went the the appointment to be told during the U/S that the baby had stopped growing at 6 wks. My body had held on to the baby for almost 6 more wks. Awful news... My heart was shattered, here I'd gone all this time thinking I was pregnant, planning the months up until I met the precious baby and now there would be no baby.
That was 10 months ago that we found out there would be no baby. We had a D&C in October and have been trying ever since to get pregnant. I get so sad and so angry when others around me get pregnant and keep the baby on their first try... I have been trying for almost a year and I am still child-less... Why me?? I am happy deep down for these people but it is washed over by my pain... I hate that I tell someone I am happy for them and it feels heavy on my lips... This is why today was bad... Another person who just started trying this summer is pregnant.. 11 wks along and I envy her so much it hurts... I cried all the way home... When will it be my turn?? When do I get to enjoy the journey, get to see the baby's hb, feel it kick, hold it in my arms... When?
I pray to God to give me patience and understanding, sometimes I feel like I get it, other days like today, I feel abandoned... Give me strength and joy God for me and for those who are dealing with similar issues... Tomorrow is a new day.
